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First trailer for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is out and it's getting way too unbelievable



The trailer for 'Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom' is out now and the movie looks awesome ... right?

Here's a T-Rex.

Here's Chris Pratt running.

Here's a volcano we had no idea about.

Awesome, right? RIGHT?


The "Jurassic Park" movies have been in a steady decline since the first sequel and there's zero reason to think this new movie will fall outside of that trend. From camouflaging hybrid T-Rex's to remote-control raptors, these new 'World' sequels betray the very nature of the original, by presenting an exaggerated fantasy world completely deprived of any realism.

Jurassic Park

Instant classic, and groundbreaking. This was the movie that popularized computer graphics as a film-making tool, but without making the movie an effects showcase. They mixed computer-generated dinosaurs with latex suits and robotics to ensure that each effect serviced the story and that particular shot best.

Fast forward to the 2010's and the perfect blend of practical and CG effects has been forgotten. Instead, we've got actors coming back from the dead in worse shape than if you dug them up from a pet cemetery.

I've seen this movie more times than my brother. You have my permission to stop reading this article and re-watch Jurassic Park. Actually here's an Amazon link to the Blu-ray -- just order that and finish the article. But don't buy the trilogy set because...

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

...This is the one where a T-Rex eats a dog.

At least this movie is also based off a Michael Crichton book so we can consider it to be 'canon.' Plus it's still directed by Steven Spielberg, but for all of his hits, the man isn't great at sequels. I drink to forget "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"...and "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

By the way, I'm not necessarily saying, "go back and watch this" but: 1.) I'm betting they made a lot of the same mistakes in "Fallen Kingdom" as they did in this sequel. 2.) You probably forgot this is where Vince Vaughn got his big break as 'Nick Van Owen'.

This is the one where a Velociraptor says "Alan" during a dream sequence.

It's no surprise that this is where we ran out of books. So the good people at Universal decided to make a 'cash grab' in which a writer asks, 'why the hell would Alan Grant ever come back to that island?' The answer is he wouldn't. So he had to basically get kidnapped.

Jurassic World

I know what you're thinking:

"Jurassic World" really wasn't that bad! Chris Pratt was cool, and there was that water dinosaur thing and they had B.D. Wong from the original! In fact, didn't it make an insane amount of money and get like 72% on Rotten Tomatoes?'

First of all, we'll talk about what I think of Rotten Tomatoes at some point but not right now, and making a lot of money doesn't mean the movie is any good (looking at you, every single DC movie since "The Dark Knight".)

I'm not saying this is where they went wrong, because "JP III" is a steaming pile, but the movie is a cartoon. I love Chris Pratt. Like, LOVE Chris Pratt, but to take that meta leap and make the whole movie about how people aren't excited by dinosaurs anymore and then completely fail to deliver on any suspense is a sin.

Everyone seems to forget "JP" was a thriller bordering on horror. Remember Samuel L. Jackson's severed arm? FIVE YEAR OLD ME REMEMBERS!

P.S. Any happy feelings you're experiencing from this movie are coming from your memory of the last ten minutes of the film-- with that giant dino battle. You're a glass half full moviegoer and I appreciate you, but that's not enough and you know it.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

There's a couple things we know for sure about this film, the biggest of which is Jeff Goldblum is returning.

Goldblum, known to most as 'Daddy' is probably the most beloved, eccentric, and seemingly functional actor in the world. But as we saw from last year's "Independence Day: Resurgence", and "The Lost World" for that matter, Jeff can't save a sequel on his own.

The Jurassic Park kingdom fell some 20 years ago, and a reboot has thus far proved disastrous. No doubt expectations are low for "Fallen Kingdom", but it's never too late to learn from your mistakes.

"Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" comes out June 22, 2018 -- whether you like it or not.

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