Guys, I'm soooo not kidding right now. I'm going to spoil stuff during this NINE EPISODE LONG live blog. For nine consecutive hours, I'm going to watch "Stranger Things 2" and type stuff about it. Spoiler-y stuff. I'M NOT LYING. I'm not going to lightly dance around stuff or gently hint at something that just happened. Trust me, if Barb Holland comes back to life to rip out the tracheas of everyone in Hawkins because they couldn't muster up a simple candlelight vigil, I'm going to type that.
OMGOMG, GUYS. BARBARA HOLLAND IS STRAIGHT UP KILLING EVERYONE RIGHT NOW. THE THESSALHYDRA WENT BACK HOME, ITS THUNDER TOTALLY STOLEN
This will be full of spoilers and bleary eyed rantings. Also, it's going to be full of spoilers. Spoilers, folks. Spoilers.
LIVE BLOG STARTS HERE!
It's 2:45am EST, I'm awake after a couple of fitful naps. But I'd already put my live blogging station together and gathered my many snacking foods.
Every time I fell asleep for more than a couple minutes I was startled awake by the thought of either sleeping through my alarm or not being able to push my way through that slimy stuff to get back from the Upside Down like we know Eleven already does. (I feel like I've already mentioned there will be spoilers in this live blog, right?)
So, at the end of Season 1, Chapter 8, Will fireballs the eff out of the Thessalhydra in the boys’ 10 hour D&D campaign (just one hour longer than my campaign will be, I hasten to say). So, I’m guessing Will actually will… somehow. BUT, there were several questions about unfinished business once Mike said their game was over. WHAT COULD THEY MEAN?! DO THEY MEAN ANYTHING? Am I already going crazy and it’s only Chapter 1?
The questions were:
1. What about the lost knight? (Is this foreshadowing an eventual death of one of four main little dudes? Or maybe Jonathan? Or, OMG, Steve, who was very knightly in the final episode!)
2. And the proud princess? (Could this be Nancy, finally letting the world know she’s fallen for Jonathan and that she doesn’t care who knows it? Or is Eleven, full of herself for defeating another giant baddy?)
3. And those weird flowers in the cave? (I’m taking a swing in the dark here, but Demogorgon’s faces look like flowers when they’re mad. Are there a bunch of lil’ demogorgies growing in some cave somewhere that will terrorize Season 3?)
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 1
3:01AM! It's here! I'm already flipping out! Are those clowns? Did I hit play on AHS: Cult by mistake?
...and, BOOM! That was awesome. And, hello Eight!
I used to play Dragon's Lair at a convenience store. And Galaga. And Dig Dug.
AND, HOLY CRAP, we're not 9 full minutes in and Will's already Upside Downing? That escalated quickly!
Okay, I’m just going to say this right now. Chief Hopper (David Harbour) is awesome. And, hot. Over the next many hours, I’m not going to keep typing that. But, when you see H<3P just know that’s what I’m thinking.
And there's our first Barbara Holland reference! #JusticeforBarb
"Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane!" <--- great choice! Scorpions rawk!
Hahahhahaha, YAS! Bob Newby runs the town Radio Shack! That’s amazing!
H<3P IN THE CORNFIELD!
OMG, would you just look at the size of Steve's hair. He literally looks like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.
Yeah, Will, nothing to be nervous about... as they drive into the parking lot of that same effing building?!? Why would you take him back there, Joyce? Ugh. And to Paul Reiser?
H<3P IN PAUL REISER'S OFFICE
I'LL CALL YOU H<3P... YOU KNOW SHE WON'T.
I mean, would you just look at those Wheelers! Didn’t a family just like that live on every single street in America in 1984. (The answer is yes.)
OMG, I HATE BARB'S PARENTS. Seriously, they're garbage people. They just hated on H<3P. Not cool with me. And they keep a photo of their possibly but totally dead daughter in the toilet? That's weird.
OMG, my heart!
I predict #ZombieBoy will be trending all weekend long.
Kenny Rogers? I love Kenny Rogers.
Hey, Will, ever know things start to get weird when you're at that damn sink? Maybe dirty hands are better than slugs and other snowy dimensions and a monster apocalypse. Just sayin'.
H<3P AT THE TABLE WITH A SCHLITZ AND ELEVEN!! OMG! LOOK AT HER CURLY HAIR!
Wow! That first episode went by REALLY quickly! Time for:
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 2
TRICK OR TREAT, FREAK
Awwwww, I kinda miss the Demogorgon.
Well, that's one way to get to school, Elle. Gross.
Aaaaaaand, she's back in the woods. She's Elle Woods. I'm an idiot.
H<3P AT THE STOVE MAKING BFAST AND THEN YELLING AT A GHOST
Who ya gonna call... to get permission to use the Ghostbusters name and likeness? That would be Dan Aykroyd and Ivan Reitman. Srsly.
H<3P STARING LONGINGLY AT JOYCE
Nancy, you're seriously going to lose a hand if you try to run your fingers through Steve's giant hair. I'm pretty sure there are secrets in there, too.
So, she can easily snap an orderly's neck because he was going to throw her in a room but she has to launch a squirrel thirty feet head first into a fir tree? Got it.
Um, Billy needs to relax both his business in the front and his party in the back.
Great idea, Jonathan. Let Will go trick or treating alone. What's the worst that could happen?
I love this show. What other program would dare follow a Mötley Crüe music cue, "Shout at the Devil," with the Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton super adult contemporary classic, "Islands in the Stream?"
I predict #JustNougat will be trending all weekend. (I can't believe I spelled 'nougat' correctly the first time! Very proud of myself.)
H<3P GETTING SHOT BY A TINY COWBOY
Okay, Mike is the best BFF ever. And immediately after that amazing moment, I hear the faint sounds of Duran Duran?! Clearly the best two moments of the episode.
How many times can Nancy say "bullsh*t" in a row? Impressive. Also, that blouse is r-u-i-n-e-d, girl.
Jonathan to the rescue... except doesn't he know you're not supposed to put drunk people to bed on their backs?
H<3P GETTING FAT ON HALLOWEEN CANDY ALL ALONE
Didn't you kinda think Oscar the Grouch was going to be in that garbage can?
Episode 2 was fun! Now it's time for:
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 3
I’m sorry but real pollywogs are horribly effing gross. I mean, look at these things.
Really, you're going to name that thing "d'Artagnan" because it, too, likes the nougat in a Three Musketeers candy bar? Kid, you should have named that living snot ball with legs Athos, Porthos or Artemis because d'Artagnan wasn't even a 'teer.
H<3P WITH CEREAL SPILLED ALL OVER HIM
I love that we get to see the librarian that Chief Hopper apparently loved and left again. I like her be she also taught him how to use microfiche. I love saying microfiche. And, hey, aren't pollywogs kinda micro fish? I'm sorry. It's 4:53am.
OMG, I totally have the outfit Mr. Clarke is wearing. I love a sweater vest.
H<3P DRAWING CIRCLES ON A MAP
H<3P PLAYING A RECORD, SNAPPING HIS FINGERS AND DOING THAT LITTLE DANCE, OMG
Ugh, playing shirts & skins was the worst.
And, of course Will flashes back to that damned bathroom sink. Do you think he hoarked up Dustin's disgusting pet... like, that actual one?
As I watch her with that crayon and tracing paper, I love that the Duffer Bros. based Winona Ryder’s character, Joyce, on Richard Dreyfuss’ character, Roy, in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” a film I love. Both characters are absolute nutballs crazy and both actors do a more than excellent job portraying that.
Nancy, don't think I didn't see that super rad Trapper Keeper you were just holding.
H<3P IN THE PUMPKIN PATCH (OMG, HE'S DAVID PUMPKINS!)
That green Ford Pinto of her's can really kick up some dust!
I'm already hungry. Why in the sam hell didn't I buy Eggo waffles?
OMG, the end of Chapter 3 was super intense. That legitimately gave me the chills. It's also 5:31am and it's currently 39 degrees outside. Can't believe we're already three episodes in! Time for:
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 4
WILL THE WISE
Will's had two episodes in two days. Well, big griggin whoop, Will. I'm having nine episodes in ONE day.
H<3P SUPERMAD AND SCREAMING
B - R - A - T
(Maybe don't take away her television. What would I be doing without mine right now? Oh, right. Sleeping.)
Lots of people, like me, are doing a big binge on Stranger Things 2 overnight. This reaction made me giggle... and get hungry.
Um, your mom's just trying to make your bath a little warmer, relax.
No. He likes it cold.
Um, who the hell is "he" and how much is he going to scare the hell out of us?
Okay, we're in Chapter Four now, I think we really need to start getting some solid intel on Max & Billy.
Mike: It's about the shadow monster, isn't it.
You have cat to be kitten me right meow! That lil' baby demogorgie ate Dustin's kitty? R U D E !
And, oh, now I get why they've been saying "tubular" all the time. Aaaaaand that's the end of Chapter 4.
I'm going to pause for a moment to splash some water on my face and stretch. We're almost half way!
Okay, time for:
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 5
You're like a spy now, a super spy.
H<3P IN THAT CAVE WITH ALL THE WEIRD FLOWERS... WAIT!
Remember up above when I was talking about the three questions the boys asked at the end of their D&D game at the end of Season 1, Chapter 8?! "And the cave with all the weird flowers?!" Well, those weird flowers just spit up all over my favorite hot cop and I'm furious about it.
Will just said he thinking Hopper is in trouble... that he might die. Don't do that to me Duffer Brothers or we are in a fight. Also, is Hopper "the lost knight," as mentioned in that D&D game as well? It's 6:45am and I've just gotten my second wind because I'm so incensed.
MONDALE/FERRARO sign... nice touch.
Dustin, I've just about had it with you, young man. I literally just said out loud, "Don't lie to your mother! You're stupid little demogorgie ate her cat hours ago!"
Ooooooh, we're now in the lair of the P.I. in charge of #JusticeForBarb!
H<3P ALL DIRTY FACED AND FIGURING OUT THE CAVE HE'S TRAPPED IN IS ALIVE!
Still a lil' bit mad that I made a special trip for snacks and didn't get a box of Eggo waffles.
OMG, did they just make Sean Astin say "I'm three point six inches, what do you got?" It's now 7:08am and I'm making and laughing at my own stupid jokes.
WHAT DID I SAY EARLIER?! What have I done to deserve this?
H<3P BEING OVERCOME AND POSSIBLY DRAGGED DOWN TO HIS DEATH BY LIVING MONSTER CAVE VINES
Seriously, the Barb Investigator is channeling David Cross from Pitch Perfect 2, am I right?!
YAAAASSSSSS JOYCE! SAVE OUR GUY! (and then, OMG, like, totally be Nicole Kidman kissing Alexander Skarsgård in front of Keith Urban, youch!)
And then, do we learn that, just like Eleven was 'the monster' in Season 1, Will is 'the monster' now because he's sure feeling all the flames that Daft Punk back-up dancer is throwing out. And, that takes us to:
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 6
But, before we go there, I have GOT to stand up, walk outside for a second, pee and make some coffee. I leave you with this lovely 80s montage featuring some killer moments from Season 1:
Okay, let's try this again. It's now time for:
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 6
We start out with Will on a gurney and I feel badly for him but WAIT!
H<3P GETTING A SILKWOOD SHOWER THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF TELEVISION EVER EVER EVER
Look, Steve was awesome with that bat last time but that lil' (probably no so lil' by now) demogorgie is going to kick his ass and mess up his hair, I just know it.
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BOY?!
Ugh, finally! Nancy, I wonder how Barb would feel about you leaving your room to go kiss Jonathan on his warm, wet mouth? Guess we'll never know because you killed her with neglect. So, even if you are wearing a new bra, no one will ever know because she's not alive to ask you about it.
I mean, this has now turned into an entirely different kind of show for me.
What is this elevator straight to hell? Also, you can't have Evil Paul Reiser say, "Here's the complication..," and then just blatantly not let him finish his evil sentence!
And, speaking of evil, I guarantee you Frodo's friend is waaaay more foe than friend.
Okay, I'll admit it. I've gotten a little bit cranky. I just had another moment where I shouted at the television. It went something like, "HOW LONG ARE YOU TWO GOING TO STAY AT DOV CHARNEY'S HOUSE?!"
I shouldn't have done that. It upset him.
Everything I've said about Steve's stupid high feathered hair this entire time, I take back. He just shared his secret formula and it is glorious.
Fabergé. Both the shampoo and the conditioner. And then, four pumps of Farrah Fawcett spray.
As hilarious, and oddly touching, as that Fabergé section just was, I'm tired. I love this show and this season but if they wrapped everything up in these next 8 minutes I'd be more than fine with it. But, I accepted the assignment and will complete it!
H<3P SLUMPED OVER THAT STEERING WHEEL PROMISING HE'LL BE HOME SOON
Oh, you do, Will? You know how to stop the shadow monster? Well, why don't you get up, get out of that gown and get to it?
Madmax vs. Stalker, a stranger love story.
They shouldn't have upset the spy. I feel like because they did, I'm watching THREE more episodes. It's 9:26am. Ooof.
"It's a trap! It's a trap! It's a trap!" Lovely homage to Admiral Ackbar.
Something is going to crawl up outta that crack... and I'm an infant because I just started laughing at what I just typed.
That's the end of Chapter 6, which was super proud of itself at a whopping 51 minutes. Time for Chapter 7, weighing in at a much more manageable 45. Trust me folks, every minute counts now.
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 7
THE LOST SISTER
Sunflower. Rainbow. Turn to the Left. Now turn to the right. Sashay. Shanté. (I'm sorry, but that's what Jane's mother's mantra turns into in my head.)
Another GREAT music cue while Eleven is on the bus! Bon Jovi's "Runaway."
They keep mentioning The Rainbow Room but something tells me it's not the one on the 65th floor of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
I totally love 008... and have since Chapter 1, which I watched, what, 17 hours ago?
Oooooh, this is the Rogue One of Stranger Things episode. I get it now. It's just in the Stranger universe.
In all honesty, it was incredibly easy to tune out of this seemingly one-off episode. I also have a bit of a problem with where it was placed in the episode order, Chapter 7 of 9. Knowing that people will binge-watch, and now have 14 episodes worth of care and intense interest in the core characters, why stop the momentum? Why give your captivated audience an excuse to tune out? It's a mid-season clip show disguised as an episode that should have been the best ancillary series extra ever... once all the unnecessary, heart-strained harkenings have been hacked out.
Also, I'm a very tired boy and have had my crankypants on for the last couple hours. I'll watch Chapter 7 again and hopefully then it won't feel like it did when I once finished watching "The Ice Storm" and was then immediately served up "Ice Road Truckers." Ugh. It's 10:42am. Let's get on with it.
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 8
THE MIND FLAYER
H<3P STANDING IN THAT WINDOW WITH SCRUBS ON
Okay, I think we can say, and Dustin would have to agree, those lil' demogorgies are basically Feisty Pets.
Billy in that mirror is 100% Jame Gumb-y, right? Right. He's totally Buffalo Billy, right? Right.
I'm sorry, but I still feel like Rudy is not a good guy. There's no way he's saving the day.
Okay, well, let me apologize to Sean, his fanbase, his entire family and apparently delicious internal organs.
OMG, ANSWER HIM. WHY IS HE TIED UP?! WHY IS HE TIED UP?!
I love it when Eleven make a grand entrance in the final moments of an episode. She's done it, like, four times now this season alone. But, this time she arrived a the biggest Tegan & Sara fan ever.
Time for the final episode. It's 11:40am. This experience would have been much better had I started at noon today and watched until 9pm... but, noooooooooooo.
STRANGER THINGS 2
SEASON 2 / CHAPTER 9
(Apologies tendered but I quite literally could not watch TV with one eye and my computer screen with the other and continue to type at a fever pitch for a nearly tenth hour. I had a shower. I had a McMuffin. I'm back in business.)
I love how Tegan totally gives the young Grace Coddington the cold, cold shoulder. Also, are there no tissues in this hell hound of a world?
Okay, that was a lovely moment between my favorite prime number and my favorite khaki cop... but did we need to end it with "bitchin'?" I know a couple people in the movies or on the TV that might have said that back in 1984, but ubiquitous it twasn't.
How is it that none of the top 6 snaps on all of Billy's shirt are defective? The second that last snap goes, he goes from wearing a shirt to a bedazzled shorty robe. Also, what does he do in the winter? I have, like, eight more questions about his wardrobe, but I'll put the brakes on those. (Some Billy would never do when approaching young bicycle-riding boys in his bitchin' Camaro. I don't know if it's a Camaro, I just wanted to say 'bitchin'."
Didn't it just look like Steve was taking all those kids on a tour through the human colon in one of those hands-on science museums?
Who knew that nougat, literally the Styrofoam of the confection world, would play such a crucial role in this season's finale?
Steve, you've made Dustin's hair too tall. He's more hair than boy at this point.
OMG, I love the music supervision team on this show. In the last three minutes I've gotten Pat Benetar, Olivia Newton-John, and Cyndi Lauper. Perfect. I'm certain I've heard those three songs in a row at more than one dance held in a gymnasium. And now, The Police? You kids have been running from them in 17 episodes but now you're cool slow dancing to them? Kids make no sense.
Awww, everyone is so happy both inside and outside the gym. Wait. No, what's happening? You're kidding. What does this guy want? (He wants us to pine for Season 3, which they'll breathlessly work on everyday for more than a calendar year so idiots like me can watch everything in a day.)
Great show. Great cast. I now have to stop typing and screaming at the television. Good evening, friends.
While you're here, check out some of our "Stranger Things 2" coverage:
Excited for the 'Stranger Things 2' premiere? Yeah, us, too!
Check out these 'Stranger Things 2' 80s inspired posters
Heres the final 'Stranger Things 2' trailer
A love song for Barb from 'Stranger Things'