Many in the media centers on the coasts are unfamiliar with the region known as the Midwest, and the people within. I've embedded myself in the Midwest for the better part of 30 years to send dispatches back to the newsrooms and studios on the coasts. Here's 9 heartland facts you should really know by now.
#1 The people in the Midwest aren’t any more American than people anywhere else. Midwesterners are concerned with the same things like making ends meet, family and wondering how the hell there are suddenly so many vape shops.
#2 Wisconsin exists to save the nation from their urinary tract infections. As the largest producer of cranberries in the country Wisconsin is the reason you got past your minor internal pelvic pain.
#3 Speaking of burning, the West Coast is known for the sun, the East Coast is known for money and power, and the Midwest is known for kindness, the kind of kindness where you can’t tell if they really mean it. We’re all so happy to have you in our union, Florida.
#4 The Midwest is known as “America’s breadbasket,” due to the abundance of cereal crops like wheat and oats grown there. Yet, hipster enclaves like Iowa City and Madison, would like to add that there are also gluten-free options available.
#5 Midwesterners don’t feel the need to live by the ocean. The air in the summer is swimmable by itself. This is a joke about humidity.
#6 The rumors of young men in the Midwest asking the eldest, fanciest hog in town for help in choosing a mate are unfounded, they swipe right like a normal person
#7 The state of Michigan is shaped like a mitten and people there will tell you that as quickly as possible.
#8 The region is derisively called the “flyover states,” unless Jay Z is on the flight in which case it suddenly gets cooler and is known as the fly-Hova states. This is a poorly constructed joke about a rapper’s nickname.
#9 The soil in the Midwest is very fertile, so whenever someone from the coasts craps on the Midwest they only grow stronger.